Are you an Empty Nester or a Bird Launcher? How do we cope with an Empty Nest, this huge life change that no-one really warns us about?
I came across this beautiful idea of being a Bird Launcher on Instagram recently, on @raisingteenstoday. The idea of being a Bird Launcher makes me smile and it feels more positive, hope-filled and exciting.
I started musing last time on how we have coped with our empty nest two years on. As I continue to reflect on our experience of bird launching, what have I learned about how we coped?
What changes when we launch our birds?
Identity.
Our identity can take a bit of a battering. Who are you when the key role of parent is not the primary focus each day? This is about taking stock of who you are as an individual, what is important to you, and what parts of your identity exist outwith the bounds of parenting. What does this mean for your other relationships? For your work or how you use your time?
This is much of the work I do with clients, so if getting some help in this area is what you need, get in touch and we can talk more.
This doesn’t happen overnight, but I see that two years down the line, I am more clear on my own values and priorities, and how that impacts the choices I make about how I now use my time.
Not living in the past or in regret.
We cannot change what has gone before, no matter how painful some of those memories or regrets might be, especially if some of the years when a growing child was at home were really fractious. But we can make choices today to be the parent we want to be, to be who we are at our best.
What kind of relationship do we want to build with our fledgling adult child? What does that mean for how we communicate with them, support them, provide for them now?
Learning new patterns and rhythms.
How to cope with an empty nest in part is about seeing that we need new patterns and rhythms to how we do life, with and without them. And how we communicate.
How do we decide how much communication is appropriate when they are away from home? The dependence on you are a parent shifts, and it can sometime feel like they only get in touch if they need something from you. Equally, sometimes they might feel that your decision to step back and let them learn…and possibly fail, fall over and have to get back up again…might be a bit harsh.
Knowing our own hearts, our motivation, and what we and our child need help, as each child and situation is different. What works for your friend and their child might not for you and yours. One of my most often asked questions is:
What would the best outcome be here?”
This question can help to provide a little space to diffuse emotions and see the bigger picture of what they – and us – need.
This is also about being respectful of their space, their growing independence in decision making and their ability to make choices for themselves. Will all of those choices be ones that you would have made for them? Almost certainly not.
But were you any different when you were their age?
We rarely waded in to fix or sort things for our two when they left home. We tell them that we are always there to listen, provide support and encouragement, and if necessary, point them in the right direction. MB only once had to be Helicopter Dad and step in to get Elder Nearest-and-Dearest’s heater fixed when she was isolating in halls with Covid and had got no success in this endeavour herself. More on that subject here.
Have we always got it right? No. Have I switched into Fix-it-Mum without being asked? Often. My motivations were always good – to help, nurture, protect, provide – but it wasn’t always what my fledgling needed.
Learning to ask:
Do you need me to help fix this,
or do you need me to simply listen?
…is a powerful question indeed to help consolidate the fledgling’s independence.
Another area of learning has been the changed dynamic in the family and in the home when they return for a while. They have changed and so have we. That itself can be hard. They have discovered new found freedom and what it feels like to stretch their wings. But you possibly are yearning for them to be back in the nest, safe and secure, and for things to be as they were before.
They won’t be.
Family life will never be the same again.
It will change, as you change and they change. Coming to accept this has helped me cope with our empty nest.
And that is ok. Not easy, but there are ways we can grow even through these challenging times.
More on that next time.